


Skin Your Knee

by Anonymous



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Dubious Consent, Ensemble Cast, F/M, Other Pairings Implied - Freeform, Recovery, Sex Pollen, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-09 08:27:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16446332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: An encounter with the plant life on an alien planet changes the way Matt and Pidge look at themselves and each other, and threatens to damage her relationship with the other paladins. But Pidge is nothing if not determined, and refuses to give up her friendship with her brother, no matter how damaged it gets.





	Skin Your Knee

The forest was unnaturally quiet. Pidge could feel the hair on her arms standing to attention as they walked in deeper. There should have been bird sounds. The breeze rusting the trees, maybe. Nothing.

Above them the trees were packed too tightly together, their branches too intertwined, for the light of the starry sky to hit through. Only the eerie glow of their torches lit up a small portion of the world around them, Matt's skin looking faintly green in the unnatural glare. But he looked good. Healthy. His eyes were searching the area around them as they pushed forward with quiet feet. But Pidge could feel her eyes locked on his face, three years older yet again, with that extra age gap that had grown between them. He was maybe even older than Keith now.

Pidge swallowed and looked away.

It's not like she'd never thought about that sort of thing – time dilations in space travel, age gaps growing between movie characters in space ships flying at the speed of light – but that was before Voltron and the Galra and Quintessence overturned half a dozen things she knew about physics. She never imaged weird space stuff would put a time gap between her and Matt, that she'd slip forward in time with Voltron to a moment where he'd be in his 20s, a really for real adult, and she'd still be 16. Weird.

At the edge of her vision she was sure she saw something move but when she turned– nothing. Nothing at all. Just more still, silent trees.

"Okay, this is creepy," she said. "I can't be the only one who thinks that."

Matt made a noise of agreement and turned to her, nodded, but his eyes slipped immediately away, back to looking at the trees and the night.

Super weird.

They pushed through a particularly dense area of forest, squeezing between too close sentinels of wood, and then there was a small, brief clearing, the ground dipping toward a muddy puddle. The light was getting in somehow so Pidge looked up to see the break in the canopy above them.

"Can we be sure the druids were here?" Matt said.

"Not really."

The darkness seemed to wobble at the edge of her vision. But no, she looked back down to Matt, and he was lit up just fine.

Matt put his things down and sat. "I'm so tired. Maybe I can take a break here and we can think about this. What would they be doing here?"

"I don't know. Scouting for something? Maybe they have magic potions to find ingredients for."

Matt smiled and ran his fingers over some strange small plants, their rounded caps and reaching leaves lurid and bright. Shocking pink, flame blue and electric orange against the cool night and the dark trees around them. So weird.

"You mean like witches in the movies," Matt said, and then he hissed like he'd been bitten by something.

Pidge still couldn't see anything moving other than them, but there was a strange, white powdery something on Matt's fingers.

"I think we should head back and get you decontaminated," Pidge said. "This whole place should be biologically impossible. Whatever that means it actually is, I don't think you should let it on you."

"You're right," Matt said, but his voice was strange, and he seemed fixated on his fingers as he tried to brush the powder off his hand, more and more frantically.

"Uh, Matt, are you okay?"

The sound of his breathing was getting louder, rougher, ragged at the edges.

Pidge stepped toward him and stopped, hand still out-reached. In her paladin outfit with the helmet on she was hermetically sealed, but that didn't mean she needed to take any chances. "You sound kind of weird."

"Yeah, I–" And then he pushed himself up and stood, still not looking at her. "I feel kind of weird."

So she took a step closer. Whatever was happening, he was her brother. They'd face it together.

"We should– We should leave," he said, but then he turned to her and looked fine. If this was an allergic reaction it didn't look like any she'd ever seen before.

"Okay, I'll just grab your stuff and..."

Matt grabbed the shoulder of her suit. His fingers were only the gentlest pressure against her, but as a bird flew above breaking the night with an outside sound for the first time, a darkness moved over his face, and she was suddenly sure that if she needed to fight him off she wasn't strong enough for that at all.

"My sister, my sister..." he muttered, his voice almost too soft to hear.

Even now she doesn't know why she took her helmet off.

"Something is wrong, Matt, and I need you to tell me what it is so we can fix it and get out of this place."

He touched her hair and then the edge of her ear. She could feel his hand shaking.

"You look so much like me," he said, then brought his hand down to touch her cheek.

It was then she realised it was the same hand that had touched her shoulder. She looked down hoping she was going to be wrong, but the powder was smeared all over her shoulder, all the way up to her neck. Some of it still white but changing colour, turning warmer and warmer until it was nearly red.

It wasn't the only thing getting warmer. Something was prickling under her skin, throbbing like a rash.

He moved her face until she couldn't help but look at him and it went white hot for a moment, and the world around them became a background buzz in her ears. Everything was so loud, her breathing harsh in her own ears. His eyes were so dark as he leaned in toward her.

And then he kissed her lips, just a little too firm.

She dropped her helmet and opened her mouth.

She'd never even been kissed before. Hadn't thought about it much. It was more slippery than she could have imagined, Matt's tongue sliding wet into her mouth and pushing against hers until she pushed back. Her mouth was sloppy with spit when he moved her head to let him go deeper.

She wasn't sure at what point she'd started clinging to his clothes to drag him as close as she could.

She chased him further into the kiss. Already she was light-headed and shivering hot. Matt moved his hands and crushed her closer, until she felt her shuddering ribs would crack under the strain. It was almost too good to bear.

She felt him trying to pull back from her and started to claw him back.

"You should run away from me," he said, but he was already kissing her again. Open mouth dragging against hers, again and again, like he couldn't get enough. "As fast as you can."

She knew it was already too late.

The air was steaming around them and hot with the sounds of their breathing. She dragged him back down to kiss her again and he groaned into her, a desperate sound.

"Please," she said, trying to push her hands underneath his clothes, but she didn't know what she was asking for.

He shoved her away to pull at his clothes but there were too many layers and she couldn't stop her fingers from trying to help. Pulled him close again and he mouthed at her jaw-line, squeezed her waist, pressed a thumb to her lower back. It switched on something inside her, that low insistent throb, and she realised how wet she was. She moved just far enough to gasp for air but there wasn't enough. She felt like the air was thinning around her, like the heat between them was burning away all the oxygen she needed to breathe.

"Matt, I'm too hot," she cried out. Her face was wet, all the way to her sweaty hairline. Her eyes were leaking a little and she didn't know why.

"How do I get this thing off you?"

She fumbled at her own body, pushing pieces off with clumsy fingers. She could hear them fall to the ground like it was a distant sound. The tearing sound of his scarf growing ragged beneath her fingers.

Her knees went weak beneath her and she collapsed, dragging him down with her. Finally, he got his fingers beneath the edge of her body suit and pulled it away from her overheated neck. His wet tongue licked a cool path along her skin and she whined in the back of her throat like an animal.

They fumbled together at their clothes, losing bits and pieces of his, and pushing hers down inch by inch, until they toppled over and were finally skin to skin, his chest against hers. He pushed the last of her outfit over her hips and they pressed naked against each other. His body felt hot and hard and dangerous against hers. They couldn't stop rubbing and pressing against each other. She arched and rolled her head against the ground.

How long had she been saying, "Oh, oh, oh," like this?

She kicked something off her feet and found her knees spreading around his body without her input. He grabbed at her waist with his strong hands and her knees pushed back further. She felt open and empty. He was almost– almost– She scrambled at his back with blunt fingernails, trying to find a way to hold on to him.

And then he gripped tighter and pushed in. Her brother was inside her. It felt so much bigger, so much thicker than she'd known to expect. He didn't pause to let her adjust, just fucked deep into her hard and fast. She felt it rumble through her body like a concussive blast. She crossed her ankles behind his back. She didn't want it to stop.

She was mindless with it, head rolling out of her control, her body moving with his every thrust. She licked her mouth and swallowed her own drool, and he was so deep inside her it felt like she should be able to feel him in the back of her throat.

Her skin tingled. Reality fragmented. She felt like her body had stretched and shrunk at the same time, until it was only the parts of her squeezing him tight. For a moment there was nothing in the universe but them. The smell of his sweat. The sound of their gasps. The feel of his skin against hers.

She shook back into existence and he was still pushing into her. It still felt almost too good to bear.

Over the sound of the slap, slap of his hips hitting hers, over and over, she could hear him murmuring into her neck, telling her he was sorry over and over. She stroked his back so he wouldn't be sorry and pulled him deeper. Her legs were tired and wouldn't stay in place with his movements.

He groaned, a ghastly sound, like he was hurt. She started to worry – were the others too far away to hear it? She wanted them to stay away until this was over and done. She opened her eyes to look at the night sky above them, big and imposing and too bright.

Finally, he shoved in a few last times. It felt weird inside and then he stilled, slumped on her body. She realised a few seconds later he'd come inside her.

Things were still for a moment. She watched a flock of birds fly above, like some sort of screeching omen, then raised a shaking hand to stroke her fingers through his long hair. He still hadn't pulled out. She supposed it didn't matter at that point.

She liked the feel of it. Surprised herself by thinking she still wanted to clench around his dick and keep him inside her forever.

He started to cry. She realised she had mud in her hair and all down her back, that at some point they must have pushed halfway into the puddle. She just kept stroking his hair and back; wasn't ready to move.

"It will be all right." Using her voice felt strange, like whatever had happened to them had torn something open in her throat and not left much left for her to speak with. "It's going to be okay, Matt. It's going to be okay."

"No, it won't."

He wasn't wrong. A few seconds later brought the crashing sounds of someone running through the forest, hitting the trees. Pidge realised she and Matt were still joined and pushed him back, started to sit up and turn, but it was too late.

By the look in Keith's eyes he'd already seen.

"Don't come near us," she squeaked, and pushed Matt back further. "There's a contaminant. Don't come near us."

Keith didn't move, his muscles locked stiff where he'd grabbed the tree to steady himself. Pidge could feel the panic setting in to her limbs. Maybe if Matt would stop crying long enough to pick up their clothes things wouldn't get worse.

But, no, she cursed herself for that thought as soon as she had it. Because of course, who else would run straight toward Keith and witness this moment she never wanted seen, but Shiro?

She couldn't bear to see the look on his face as he realised what they'd done to each other. Instead, Pidge scrambled to pick up her clothes, all the armoured pieces filthy and scattered over the ground, while curling herself into the tiniest ball possible. Part of the chest piece was dripping mud as she picked it up, carefully, at the edges, so she wouldn't have to touch the parts that were still coated in the suspicious powder.

Something flapped in her vision and she realised Matt was holding her bodysuit out to her. Touching his hand to grab it from him set off an explosion in her chest. She looked at his face, sad-eyed and vulnerable and red-raw from kissing, and realised she'd done that to him.

"What happened here?" But of course, Shiro was still there, watching the moment of her greatest shame.

She tried to get into her outfit without dropping any of it, and only managed to drop all over it, over again. There was no time to panic. She had to squeeze herself into the bodysuit first and then she could turn back around to face what might as well have been a firing squad.

"I don't understand," Shiro said. "This can't be what it looks like."

"I don't think they meant to do it, Shiro."

"It wasn't..." Matt mumbled, and trailed off. He wiped his hand across his face and smeared mud all over himself.

Armor on. Helmet in hand. She had to think – there was no way they could let anyone else come here and disturb these plants, and who knew what they were continuing to do to their systems? Pidge didn't have the greatest knowledge of biology because it wasn't nearly as interesting as physics or engineering, but she knew it would be a bad idea to risk a dangerous foreign substance like this continuing to have an effect on their bodies. Which meant more people would have to know what happened. The idea made her want to run unprotected straight into the vacuum of space. Maybe the powder residue on their clothes would be enough to get a sample from. Maybe she could take a picture of the plants. She didn't want to talk about it with anyone, no matter what.

Matt raised a hand toward her, as if he was going to smear that mud across her face as well, and a branch snapped behind them.

"Don't touch her!" Shiro yelled.

Pidge swivelled to look at him and yell back. "He's my brother!" Pain flared to life within her body, sparking along joints and almost never used muscles.

"This is not right." But Shiro was looking at Keith as he said it, as if Keith, of all people, could make him unsee everything. Or maybe he was looking at Keith because Keith's hand was gripping his shoulder to stop him doing something stupid.

"They said there's a contaminant." There was a determined blankness to Keith's face.

"It's the plant life," Pidge said. "Don't touch anything. It makes you do things. None of us need to make this any worse."

"I have a sample," Matt said. She turned again to watch him put his filthy scarf in his pocket. "In case we need to figure out what it did to us, if there's medical side effects."

They were still on each other's wavelengths. And she still wanted him to kiss her, which she was pretty sure she was supposed to be over wanting now that the powder had worn off. Had it completely? Could she be sure?

He brushed the edge of her hand as he walked past, then swerved away, like he was trying to avoid touching her. Was that how it was going to be from now on? Was everything ruined forever? She went to follow him and noticed Shiro was still watching them, his stern expression focused on Matt as he moved out of her space.

"We won't find what we were supposed to be looking for here," Keith said, and started dragging Shiro away by the elbow. "Let's go back to the lions."

Walking hurt. She'd never thought much about sex so she'd never imagined it could hurt so much after, her pelvis straining from all the impact and her thighs from exertion. It wasn't fair, to feel so bad after. She tried not to be obvious about limping, with the sweat and blood and come sliding down her thighs. Matt's stride was strong. Even after what they'd done his body was sure in itself. She wanted that for herself.

"I think Matt should go in the black lion with us," Shiro said.

Pidge stopped moving and clenched her fists. In that moment she wanted to punch right through Shiro's concerned face. "That's not fair! He's my brother. Why can't he ride with me?"

"It wouldn't be appropriate."

"Why do I have to be alone?" She could feel herself starting to cry and angrily scrubbed at her face. "I didn't choose this."

"That's exactly my point."

At least Matt looked sympathetic as he moved toward her, reaching out to touch.

"Don't touch her," Shiro hissed, and moved as if to intercept.

"Don't you touch me, either." And now Matt was ignoring her in favour of glaring at Shiro.

"Don't anyone touch anyone," Keith said. "We don't know if that stuff on their clothes is neutralised. I'm not looking to start an orgy."

It was awkward silence from then on. Pidge crossed her arms tight in front of herself, as if that was going to stop everything inside her falling out. The quiet meant they weren't arguing any more, but now she couldn't help but think. What was everyone else around her thinking? Could they think about anything but what had just happened? What was going to happen? What would people say when they knew? The thought of Hunk or Lance or Allura or Coran ever ever knowing made her chest ache so much that breathing became a chore. Or worse–

Pidge stopped walking. "Please don't tell our parents."

Keith whipped around, lightning fast, but Shiro only stopped and turned his head.

"I would never," Shiro said. "You have to know that I would never do that to you. I would never want to hurt you or your parents like that."

"I don't even talk to your parents," Keith said. "So I'm not going to be telling them anything." Then he turned and started walking again, like he wasn't weighted down with this moment like everyone else.

Soon enough, Shiro followed him. Pidge looked at Matt, who was frozen in the moment of looking at her, and then they turned and moved as one. Because they did that, even when the world was threatening to fall apart.

Finally, the lions were in sight, all still parked in the grassy area they'd landed in. Hunk was laughing as he talked to Lance, leaned against Yellow. The crunch of the grass beneath their feet as they moved suddenly seemed extremely loud.

Hunk looked up and frowned. "What happened to you guys?"

Pidge looked down at herself, wondered if it was obvious, but, oh, because they were covered in mud. Right.

"They, uh, they fought. There's weird stuff in the forest that makes you fight," Keith said.

Shiro followed up with, "Don't go out there." Firm and authoritative like usual.

And then Hunk was saying something she didn't want to hear and Lance started asking about Allura, so Pidge focused on the ringing in her ears until she was nearly at Green's open mouth. She needed to look at Matt one last time before they were separated, so she stopped, and he was stopped still, looking at her, too. Whatever was on his muddy face she couldn't read it. He was her best friend in the whole universe and she didn't know what to say to him. It wasn't fair at all.

He turned to follow Keith into Black.

So she stepped one foot into Green. And then another. She was almost all the way in when she heard thudding footsteps behind her. She whirled around, but it was just Shiro. She clenched her fists and tried not to yell.

"You were right. You shouldn't have to be alone. Once you get cleaned up I can keep you company."

She couldn't even be angry at him. She unclenched her fists and nodded.

*

The bathing facilities on the lions weren't especially good. They were weapons of war, not places people were meant to live on long term – which meant that when they'd been forced to they'd all gotten used to smelling like stale sweat. But there was a modicum of water on board so Pidge huddled in her little shower and closed her eyes as it beat down on her and pushed the mud out of her hair. She didn't really want to move.

She breathed in deep and started to scrub herself clean. Quick and efficient. It hurt down there so she was careful to avoid the area, no matter how much part of her wanted to put her fingers in herself where Matt had been, just to know how it felt.

Water off. She eyed the messy pile of her paladin uniform – carefully separated from all her other messy piles of stuff – and put on her casual clothes, slow and careful as she bent down to put on her shorts. A proper decontamination would have to wait until they got home.

And then she slowly moved to the cockpit.

Shiro was leaned against the wall, arms crossed, hair glowing like a night light. He tried to smile when he noticed her there but it was not convincing.

She walked past to sit in her chair and realised he'd put a blanket on it.

"In case you get cold," he said.

She squinted at him and his hopeful expression. Then sat and wrapped herself up in it. The blanket was warm. She made a burrito of herself then fought to unwrap just her arms so she could pilot.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"Good, because I don't want to."

Maybe it would have been better to be alone. Pidge rearranged the blanket around herself and focused on her hands. Would things ever stop being weird and uncomfortable?

She looked at Shiro again and he was making that concerned face that made her feel like her organs were going to liquefy in shame.

She swallowed. Tapped her hands on the controls. Fidgeted in her seat.

Decided they had to talk about something. There was one thing she always did whenever she was initiated into a new world she'd previously known nothing about - ask lots of questions. So that was what she was going to do.

"How old were you when you first, you know–?" she asked.

"When I first–?" Shiro raised his eyebrows. "Piloted a spaceship?"

"I already know the answer to that. They tell everyone about that at the garrison. No," she said, tapping her nails on her chair, "when you first kissed a boy."

"Oh," Shiro said, his uptight expression collapsing. "They probably don't talk a lot about kissing boys at the garrison."

Pidge looked at her hands so she wouldn't have to look at his face and feel like he was laughing at her.

"I was a little bit younger than you are now. Not that it mattered. I was so determined to get into space that I didn't get to do much kissing until Adam."

"Is it always so wet?" She was pretty sure that wasn't what she meant to ask. Of course it was always wet. Tongues were involved. That meant saliva, a lubricating fluid that was only cute when small animals left it on your face. Obviously it was going to be wet.

"What Matt did to you–"

"It's not like that. He didn't make me."

"As the adult he should have stopped it."

"He tried to stop it. It's my fault. I wouldn't run when he told me. I made him do it." She'd wanted it so badly, in that moment, she'd felt like she'd rather die than let stop Matt kissing her. Now it felt like the embarrassment was going to kill her, like it was going to shrivel up every part of her until nothing but the blanket was left.

"It's not your fault, Pidge. The pollen obviously drugged you. It might as well have been mind control."

"Then it's not Matt's fault, either." She wasn't sure when she'd curled up like this, but she buried her face in her knees, breathing in the scratchy grey wool.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made you feel you had to defend your brother. It was unfair of me to blame him for something that hurt you both."

She rubbed her face into the blanket until she remembered how to breathe. "Okay." In and out, safe in the knowledge that Green could pilot herself if she had to.

That faint thumping sound must have been Shiro sitting on the floor.

"Do you want to hear about how I met Adam?" he asked.

A peace offering. She lifted her head, nodded, and took it.

*

She wasn't sure what Shiro had said to the hospital when he'd radioed ahead before they landed. She'd been napping, upright in the chair, and only heard the vague murmur of his voice as she woke.

When they alighted the sunlight was blaring. She squinted against the sun.

Red had already landed. She could see Matt from behind, surrounded by hovering people in hazmat suits. He looked clean but strangely fluffy, like he'd been force to wash and dry in his clothes. His hair was like a strange, golden cloud.

He turned and a cut was blossoming on his cheek, like he'd moved face first into a hard edge. She knew she hadn't done that to him.

He flinched when she called his name.

And then she was surrounded by a blur of people who wanted to poke and prod her and he'd disappeared into a crowd of his own. She was tired and groggy and people kept ignoring her questions.

She didn't know how much they knew about what happened to her and the not knowing was annoying. Was that pity on the faces of the people around her? Pidge had no use for pity. What she needed was the morning after pill and some sleep.

She did fall asleep at some point, and woke up, curled on her side in a hospital bed. Struggled to extricate herself from strange dreams about super large flowers looming in the night, and shadow monsters that moved beneath people's skin. Things were quiet in the hospital, other than the distant sounds of people walking. Pidge clenched a hand in the sheets. She didn't want to be alone with her thoughts.

She squeezed her eyes shut and recited the digits of pi until she fell asleep again.

When she woke up again, Allura was sitting in a seat by the bed, reading something in Altean. Pidge made a soft huff as she fought the sheets off to sit up and Allura turned to her at the noise.

"Oh, good, you're awake. Nobody will tell me anything of what happened to you which is most frustrating, I assure you."

"A flower sneezed on me. It was gross."

"In that case, you should probably take this medication that's been left for you. The nurse wanted to wake you for it, but you seemed like you needed the sleep, so I talked to them about Altean healing rituals until they got confused and went away."

Pidge couldn't help but laugh at the proud smirk on Allura's face.

"Allura, I don't often say this, but you may be the best person I know."

"At the moment, I can't say there's a lot of competition for the position." Allura rearranged her hair around her face and scowled, as if in frustration. Pidge watched the mice emerge from Allura's pockets, and run up over her shoulders, while Allura continued to scowl at what she'd been reading.

"I take it the rest of the mission didn't go too well." While Allura was distracted, Pidge picked up one pill after another, and dry swallowed.

"You can say that again. Apparently two of the rebels got in a fight in a cave and they're not sure why. Beyond that, we found nothing. No signs that the druids were ever there. The whole mess turned out to be a waste of time."

Pidge squeezed her legs against each other under the sheets, and then went for that glass of water after all.

"There's a sound recording from their fight, but I can't quite make it out."

Pidge leaned in, and let the mice jump onto her shoulder. "Do you need me to fix it?"

"If you could."

There was only so much she could do to fix the sound distortion, but at least it meant doing something. The recording was all echoes, the heavy sounds of physical impact and incoherent yells doubling and tripling in on themselves. The disorienting sounds of people talking over each other, asking why.

Pidge lost herself for a moment, wondering what it would sound like if she'd recorded what happened in that clearing. Would it really sound like it did replaying in her head, endless breathy gasps and Matt's soft groans? Or would a record reveal a worse truth, something small and twisted and flat?

Allura sighed. "That didn't help at all."

Pidge licked her dry lips. "No, I think that helped a lot." But she couldn't explain how.

*

By the time night fell, she couldn't sleep but they still wouldn't let her leave. Boring. Which meant, of course, silently plotting her escape.

She listened for the sound of feet, pretending to sleep every time someone came near. She was halfway through imagining crawling through the air vents – not that anyone would fit – when she realised she hadn't heard the feet walk away. Tried to be subtle about opening one eye to look.

Matt was leaning against the doorway, one hand on the wall. His face was soft in the shadows. Was he trying to watch her sleep?

She said his name and scrambled to leave the bed, but he turned to walk away, immediately. She couldn't let him go. She ran after him and nearly tripped grabbing his sleeve.

"Do you want me to do this in the hallway?" she said.

At first he wouldn't turn all the way back to look at her. But he shook his head, and let her drag him back.

In the outside light, shining in through the window, his hair was still fluffy, but he'd tied it back and tamed it down again. She moved to push back the hair that was hiding one side of his face, so she could see that cut clearly, but he swerved back and wouldn't let her.

"I tripped. It's no big deal."

"It is a big deal."

"They said it was just a subdermal hematoma and let me go. I'm not injured."

"Aren't all hematomas subdermal, anyway?"

Matt turned away and the light caught his cheekbones. His frown was evident in his scrunched up eyebrows and pinched mouth. "That's not the point."

"Why won't they let me go? I'm not injured. Look at me – I'm fine."

"I, uh..." And then he swallowed, and started over. "I overhead them saying something to mom and dad about a mild allergic reaction. You're not fine, you just think you are."

"You talked to mom and dad?"

He shook his head and tried to turn away further, but she pulled harder on his sleeve until he was forced to look back at her. He closed his eyes to shut her out, so she shook it harder.

"Stop," he said.

He put his hand on her shoulder like he was going to push her back, then stopped, frozen, looking at his hand against her shirt. Immediately she remembered the way he'd gripped her waist as he shoved into her. She could almost still feel it. She gasped, and he leaned forward like he was going to collapse against her.

"How can I ever look mom and dad in the eye again? How can I look at them without remembering that I had sex with my sister? What I made you do..."

"It's not your fault. That pollen made both of us do things."

He shook his head. "But it is. You don't understand." And when he looked at her his eyes were just like hers – they couldn't hide anything. "If I hadn't thought about it before... If I hadn't imagined it..."

"What are you talking about?"

"When you found me at that listening post... There was a moment where I... A normal brother wouldn't fantasise about that."

"Fantasies aren't real, Matt." She clenched her hands in his shirt to pull him closer. "It doesn't matter what you thought about in a passing fantasy. As if anyone would have noticed when you spent all that time making a fool of yourself over Allura. You didn't choose to have this happen to you just because you imagined something, once, years ago."

"It was more than once," he said, and his eyes went wide like it had burst out of him without his control.

He let go of her shoulder but she tried to pull him close, again. He struggled against her, but it wasn't until he finally grabbed her hands that she let him go.

"So what if it was? Can't you just go back to being the brother who holds me until I feel better?"

"What would Shiro think if he saw me doing that? I can't hold you or kiss your face again without it being tainted by this."

"I don't care about anyone else." But she was starting to cry as she said it.

"You do," he said, and let her hands go. "I'm not ready to act like your brother right now. I can't fix this yet."

She cried his name as he stepped back, but he only said, "Not yet," and walked away.

As soon as he was gone the room felt colder. Her hands were ice as she rubbed at her face. Decided she could escape in the morning and got back in bed after all.

*

They let her out in the morning, anyway.

The green lion wouldn't let anyone in to decontaminate anything she'd touched when covered with pollen without Pidge's say so, after all. She strode up to Green and put a hand on her side, so they could soak up the sun together.

"I'm sorry, girl. I have to let them in."

Green yawned under her fingers and let it happen.

When it was done, Pidge shooed everyone out and went back in to look around. She'd had to work hard to convince people not to clean anything that didn't need cleaning. She had a system! The system meant not ever organising her piles of stuff unless she had to.

Her paladin uniform, scrubbed to a high polish, was collapsed on a chair, looking like a strange deflated man. She knew how that felt.

She got bored and went outside. Hunk and Lance were talking about something stupid, judging by the big and incomprehensible hand gestures Lance was making and the blush spreading across Hunk's face. Short of rewiring a robot, listening in on their stupidity was the best fun she could have. 

Lance was saying, "Come on, man. Really? Really though?" as she got closer.

He elbowed Hunk, Hunk elbowed back, and Lance almost toppled over, stopped only by hitting a tree.

"What are you talking about?"

"Hunk is the only one of us having any sex, and he won't admit it," Lance hissed. He rubbed at his ribs where Hunk's elbow had connected, as if that was going to make any difference to the pain.

"I told you I'm not."

"I'm not trying to make fun of your feelings. Shay's a cool girl. I'm glad you've found someone. Even if the rest of us are sad and alone."

"I already said it's not like that."

"Actually," Pidge said, "I'm pretty sure Keith's hooking up with James Griffin. I saw them going off to a janitor's closet together, so they're either hooking up or they really care about cleaning supplies."

"Aw, man. That's not fair. Why does Keith get to have all the cool things." Lance squinched his face up. "Not that I would ever want to get up in a dude's business. I mean, maybe I could go gay for Shiro. He's a good looking guy. He's good at things. If I was going to be gay, I'd be gay for him."

"Literally could not care less," Pidge said.

"It really isn't like that with me and Shay," Hunk said, frowning.

"Cheer up, Hunk," Pidge said, and punched him on the arm. He didn't look like he even noticed. "I'm sure she likes you."

"Yeah, what girl wouldn't go for you?"

Hunk sighed. "I mean, I like her. She likes me. But she's a rock and I'm... not a rock. I'm pretty sure it's not actually physically possible."

"I'm sorry, dude," Lance said. "But at least this means all three of us are sad pathetic losers, who are not getting laid. The power of friendship means we can all commiserate over that."

"Right," Pidge said, completely ready for a future of lying about that one time. "In an alternate universe where I care."

At least that cheered Hunk up. "What's the statistical possibility of you ever caring about Lance's sex life in any universe? Zero percent?"

She nodded. "Zero percent."

*

If Matt thought he'd made himself impossible to find, then he'd completely forgotten that she'd tracked him down halfway across the universe, barely resting until she could see his face again. Finding him in a small area on Earth? The only reason it would ever take longer than a day is if she decided to take her time. She knew him. Either he was hiding at home, or he was hiding with the rebels. The only question was where to look first.

*

First, she went to look for mom and dad.

Dad was easy enough to find – working in the garrison, with Shiro. They were pointing at things on maps. Not really that exciting. Pidge leaned against the wall and watched them work for a while, anyway.

Eventually they noticed her. Dad paused, maybe even in the middle of a sentence, and came straight out to talk to her.

He put one hand on her forehead for a moment, then put his hands on her shoulders to look at her. "Nobody told me they'd let you out of the hospital yet, Katie."

Pidge went straight for the hug. "I guess they didn't want to worry you."

"It's a father's job to worry. The doctors weren't particularly forthcoming when we checked on you." He was warm and comfy to lean against, while he pushed his fingers through her hair like he was checking for lumps. Geez, she didn't have chickenpox.

"Sometimes nature hates me. Plants and I have a complicated relationship." When she leaned to the side she could see Shiro hovering, awkwardly. "But I'm going to be okay. No long term damage."

She pulled away from the warmth of her dad's hug to let him get back to work, and he smiled, and passed a hand over her forehead again. "I'll tell your mother you're feeling better."

*

That narrowed down the places to look. She found Matt, moving boxes around with Nyma and Rolo. It was like he wasn't even trying to hide.

Pidge put a finger over her mouth and winked as soon as Beezer saw her, but Beezer squeaked and gave the game away, anyway.

Everyone turned to look at her and Pidge waved and said hello, in the least awkward way she possibly could. Matt scowled and looked back at the boxes.

"I thought I told you to leave me alone for a while."

"Yeah, that was never going to happen."

Nyma looked confused as she looked between Pidge and Matt, though Rolo, slouched over a box, looked pretty much like he always did.

"Since when do you talk to your sister like that?" Rolo asked, in that laconic way of his, his voice dry and slow.

"I thought you guys were friends," Nyma said.

"I guess Beezer's my new best friend now," Pidge said, and Beezer burst into noise and jumped about like their day had been made.

Matt sighed. "I guess so."

"Oh, come on, Matt. Don't freeze me out. Don't make this weird."

He looked up, his face pinched. "It was already weird."

"Uh, I don't think this is something we want to be in the middle of," Rolo said, and then Nyma said, "Come on, Beezer," and they all hurried out of the way.

Leaving Pidge and Matt to just look at each other, silently, over a space of approximately three metres. Now that nobody was around, Pidge's courage deserted her. If they could have stayed then they all could have kept talking, and Matt would have remembered things could be normal when they were around other people, and nothing would have to be wrong. How was she supposed to convince him to talk to her when there was nobody else around to carry them forward?

She took a step toward him. And then another step. And then he took a step toward her, like he knew the space between them shouldn't be allowed to be so big.

"I forgot how determined you are," he said.

"It's pretty much my defining trait."

His mouth wobbled at the edges. He pushed his hair behind his ears, and she could see his warm brown eyes clearer than ever.

"Your hair is almost as long as mine used to be."

"I did it on purpose to remind me of you. Now I have your old hair and you have mine."

She nodded. "We've swapped. It's looks better on you than it did on me."

"I've changed a lot in the past few years." He'd definitely gotten taller. 

"You're still the Matt I always knew, no matter what." She pressed half a step closer.

He fidgeted with his hair again. "I've been seeing a woman. It's probably getting serious."

Pidge swallowed. "Well, that's good. Because you're my brother and you should get to have that."

"One day you're going to settle down with the man, woman or robot of your dreams, Pidge."

But she shook her head. "I don't care about that right now, Matt. I just want my brother."

Things were silent for a moment. And then she said, "Please," and he was holding her, folding her into his arms. She buried her head into his chest and breathed him in. He leaned further into her and she could feel his hair falling against her neck. The angle he was bent at couldn't be comfortable but she didn't care.

She wrapped her arms around his chest and held him as close as she could. If she closed her eyes she could pretend they weren't in an open area where anyone could see, so she did. She grabbed the back of his outfit between her fingers so he wouldn't try to get loose.

He started to stroke his left hand up and down her back. She wanted to shiver and she wasn't even cold.

"This still doesn't feel right," he said. His breath was hot on her neck.

She clenched her fists harder in his clothes. "I'll make it right. I won't let you push me away."

He dragged his hand up the back of her shirt, onto her shoulder. He was trying to pull back but there was only so far she'd let him move. She looked up at him and he was looking down at her.

"I won't let you," she said. "If you have to pretend it didn't happen, then pretend."

People could walk up here and see them at any moment. She had to stop the desperate clasp of her fingers. But could not.

"I don't know how," he said. She watched his mouth shape the words. "I can't stop thinking about it."

He put a warm hand to her face and tucked her hair behind her ears. She remembered – that was the first thing he'd done in the clearing when he was smearing pollen all over her skin.

"Please, Matt."

He tried to pull back again. "I have work to do. You have to let me go."

"No, I can help," she said, refusing to let him go.

He said her name and turned away.

"Why would you think I couldn't move some boxes around? Maybe you haven't heard that I'm a paladin of Voltron. I can do anything."

He laughed, a little, though it looked painful, and said, "Fine. You'll be more help than Beezer, anyway."

*

On the way back after, she bumped into Keith. Almost literally bumped into him, as they only noticed each other enough to swerve at the last moment.

When he saw her, his expression went flat. She clenched one fist and stared.

"Why did you hit my brother?"

"I didn't hit him. He tripped."

"There is no one who would believe that."

"Maybe I forgot to retract my foot, but if I did that's only because I was too annoyed by the way he was acting. Maybe you should ask you brother why he wanted someone to hit him."

"He didn't–"

"He did. So don't expect me to be sympathetic to him. He got exactly what he wanted." Keith strode down the hallway past her before she could even respond, then stopped, and turned back. "I am sorry this happened to you."

She was frozen in confusion long enough for him to leave.

*

When she was finally in her room, she collapsed on her bed. What did Matt want? And what did she want? What could they have? She knew it was going to be hard to rebuild their relationship but she'd make it happen, no matter what. She'd turn it back into a normal sibling relationship even if she had to turn back time to do it.

It didn't matter if she fantasised about something else, now that she knew that was something worth fantasising about.

The way he'd said he'd fantasised about it after she found him...What could he have imagined? And what would she fantasise about if she let herself?

When she'd found him at that listening post and held her, he'd spun her about so fast she almost got dizzy. If he'd kept holding her, if that assassin hadn't been there, maybe he could have kissed her then. Maybe he could have put her down on that control panel and dropped to his knees. In the fantasy her clothes somehow fell away and he kissed from her knee to that hot, wet place at her centre of gravity, then licked into her until everything about her dissolved – body, mind and fantasy all disintegrating into nothing.

In reality she swallowed and closed her eyes, put an arm over her face so she wouldn't have to deal with the real world.

Or maybe, while he was staying on the Castle of Lions with them. Staying right next to her in that narrow bed. He could have rolled over and pressed her down in the dark. Kissed her until she ran out of air. Pushed her shorts down and pushed into her.

In the fantasy she brought her knees up around him as he went deeper. Brought her arms up around his neck, hands pushing into his hair, as he gave her a deeper and deeper kiss. Splitting her open and joining them as close as two people could be. In real life, she arched and panted and tried not to touch herself. So this was desire. No wonder it made everyone else so crazy.

What would he have done if she'd made him fuck her all those years ago? Made him? No, let him. He thought about it, too. Was this in her all this time and she'd never known, the way it was in him, too?

She rolled her head to the side and bit her hand so she wouldn't be tempted to put it anywhere else on her body. Fantasies were fine. Fantasies didn't mean anything. But she couldn't act on them, in any way. That wouldn't be right – it would never be right – and things were messed up enough already.

She remembered the way he'd groaned as he'd thrust inside her, like he'd needed to be in her, like it was necessary for his continued ability to breathe.

She opened her eyes. Stood up, shaking. She couldn't let herself fantasise about it.

*

So she found Shiro to ask him for help. By not letting him spend all his time overworking himself, she was basically doing him a favour.

He steered her to the officer's lounge so he could get coffee while they talked. Poured, sipped, winced a little, and looked around like he was trying to make sure nobody noticed.

"You don't have to drink it if it's that gross."

"It's fine," he said, and drank the rest in one gulp.

By the look in his eyes, which he seemed to be trying to cover up, it tasted about as good as she imagined jet fuel did.

There wasn't anyone much around to see him pretend. There were a bunch of people Pidge neither knew well nor particularly liked at the other end of the room, but she didn't see why Shiro would want to impress them. And through a window she could see Keith and Lance arguing about something, probably something stupid, far enough away that she couldn't hear them, but they were both already about as impressed with Shiro as they were ever going to be. 

"What's up, Pidge?" Shiro asked, once he'd wiped his mouth.

"How do you–?" No, that wasn't the right way to start. She put a hand to her chin to help her think for a moment while she rephrased. Got it. "How does a person get over wanting something they can't or shouldn't have?"

That way he could give perfectly generic advice and not think she was asking about herself or him.

Shiro looked through the window at Keith and Lance, who looked like they were finishing up their argument. He crushed the cup in his hands and looked back to her.

"Oh, I don't know. I guess you just focus on other things until it goes away. Why do you ask?"

"Curiosity." She grabbed the scrunched up cup from his fingers and threw it into the waste-basket. "And also to distract you from having to listen to everyone else's questions all the time."

Shiro smirked. "I'm not very good at getting over wanting things I shouldn't have."

"That might be something you and I have in common."

"Come on," he said, guiding her out of the room with a hand on her shoulder. "Let's go do things to help save the universe. That's a distraction that works better."

"Only if it's something dangerous," she said, and went with him.

*

He was right. It did help.

*

Nobody had to know that she went for quiet comfort from her mom that night, curled up on her mom's lap like she was the family dog, and listened to her talk about debugging code until Pidge fell asleep.

*

There was enough to keep her busy for days. She had her team to joke and argue with and work to do. With their fight against the Galra continuing to loom large, the reconstruction of the cities around them, and the ongoing mystery of the Altean in that strange robot, there was enough to be going on with, and the problems of her relationship with Matt fell to the back of her mind. It was nice. Normal again.

It wasn't until she had enough time to herself to catch a breath that she actively thought about it again, and by then she'd figured out half the puzzle in the back of her mind. 

The science on that might be against her, for once, but Pidge still thought of herself as a master of multitasking.

When she finally had the time to try to deal with the issue again, the sun was brilliant over the Garrison, and the Green Lion was resplendent against the blue of the sky. Whatever Matt was doing was probably unimportant. They were going to talk.

She found him in a conversation with mom and dad about something boring. Breakfast foods, maybe. And she grabbed him by the arm and dragged him away. He didn't protest for long. 

"I guess it's important," he said. And then, "Where are you taking me?"

She smirked at him. "My favourite thinking spot."

The top of the Green Lion so she could sit up there, soaking up the sun and viewing the world. One of her favourite things in the universe was when she and the other paladins sat on top of the lions and looked on everything they could survey. Everything around them seemed clearer and simpler that way. The beauty of everything seemed easier to reach.

He didn't argue as they climbed up, just huffed out a breath and followed her. Obviously she'd worn him down into accepting she'd have her say.

When they finally reached the top she strolled forward until she could see everyone scurrying around on the ground. Then sat when she'd reached the perfect spot. Looking out was like the perfect theatre. There was Lance sending a longing glance to Allura, and his sister rolling her eyes at him. There was Hunk talking with the Balmerans. There were Shiro and Keith and Keith's mom and the wolf and Romelle and Allura, all trying to talk in between interruptions, from Iverson and the MFE pilots, and then later from her own parents. And then Keith moving off to talk with Hunk instead, and the wolf disappearing somewhere with his mom, leaving Romelle, Allura and Shiro stuck in a conversation with Iverson they obviously didn't want to have. 

After a few minutes, Matt sighed and sat next to her. "You're not going to stop making me talk, are you?"

"No. Get used to it."

Still, it was hard to know how to start.

"Look at everyone down there," she said.

"Is there a point to this?"

"Sure."

She had too much energy, wanted to kick her feet, but knew Green wouldn't appreciate it, so she wriggled around and crossed her legs beneath herself. Down below, the wolf had returned with Coran, who was rapidly talking to Iverson. He puffed himself and strutted as he talked and she could see the hopeful expression on Iverson's face begin to slide away. It was pretty obvious that Shiro was trying not to laugh.

But Lance, finally abandoned by his sister, was still looking across at Allura, which by this point was just annoying to watch.

"Something happened to us that was outside of our control and you have to stop blaming yourself, Matt."

"It's not that simple."

"But it is. It really is."

Honestly, was Lance going to do anything worth watching at this rate? Pidge wished she had something in her pocket to throw at him.

Instead she flopped on her back to look at the sky. "Maybe you just want to feel guilty about something. Something else."

She watched him lean back on his elbows and roll his neck. "You say that like that thing with the pollen isn't reason enough to be ashamed."

"It's like mind control. Do people have to apologise for what they did under mind control?"

"Not if they didn't want to do it."

"It's pretty obvious that you wanted to not do it more than you wanted to do it. You cried and apologised and let Keith trip you. You wouldn't have ever said it was something you fantasised about if it hadn't happened." She nudged his elbow, none too gently. "Come on, I know you. You never would have admitted it."

He looked down at her. "You do know me."

She heaved herself up into a sitting position again. "Do you have something in your pockets I can throw at Lance?"

Matt searched through his pockets for something and finally produced a pebble and handed it to her. She threw it just hard enough to hit Lance on the leg. Pidge watched Lance look around himself in confusion and yell, loud enough that she could hear him from as high up as she was, that whoever threw that was going to suffer. Pfff, she'd like to see him try to take her on in a fight. She'd take him down every time.

"I'm not going to ask," Matt said.

"And I'm not going to ask why you're carrying rocks."

"Sometimes people need to have things thrown at them when they're being stupid."

"I know. That's why I didn't ask."

"Why did you drag me up here to talk?"

She looked up at Matt, his sandy hair shining in the sun, and back down to the people below. Lance was gone, probably to lick his wounds in relative peace. Allura and Shiro looked like they were having a very serious conversation with her dad. There was life streaming in and out of the doors of the building, lighting up the world below them. "Because we've got peace up here but we're not alone. I didn't want anyone to hear us but when there's no one else around things get weird. If that means we can only have serious conversations in public places for the rest of our lives, I guess I have to be okay with that." She huffed out a sigh. "Also, it's nice."

"You never give up on me."

"Why would I want to?"

He was quiet for a moment and she looked at her hands, her useless hands that didn't know whether to pull him closer. How could they recover from this if she didn't ever know if she could hold him again? It didn't matter. She wouldn't give up on them.

When he next spoke it was so quiet she could barely hear it. "You never gave up on me being alive. And I tried to be optimistic after the coalition lost contact with Voltron. For a long time I thought you'd get back in contact at any moment. But I gave up hope."

"Matt..."

"I thought you were dead. And years later when Voltron showed up again I couldn't even come find you straight away because there was so much to do."

"There was a whole 30 seconds I thought you were dead after I saw your grave at that monument. You know, before I realised your date of birth was wrong." She shoved his shoulder. "Asshole."

He laughed as he toppled over. "Okay, okay. Maybe things will be okay."

"I told you they would! You should always listen to me." For a moment everything was as it had been every time they'd sat on their roof, as kids, talking about the stars. “And we can forgive ourselves for not being perfect.”

And when he smiled at her it was just as radiant.

"Let's go back down and join the crowd," she said. "Dad could probably use our help."

They climbed down again to rejoin the world.

Even so, before they could get too far, he put a hand on her shoulder. "You're still the coolest little sister in the world."

And when he walked towards the people they loved, she followed.


End file.
